I was sitting at a breakfast table in a trendy restaurant in Denver with two of my best friends, when the waitress came over with a glass of whisky and handed it to me. No no, I did not order whisky at 11am on a sunday I told her. "It's from him." She gestured to the cute guy with sparkly green eyes at the table next to us.
Oh.
Fast forward to the drive home with my friend after we spent some of the afternoon with Mr Green Eyes and one of his friends. "So? What did you think?" she asks me.
"I'm too much for him." I reply without a second thought.
"Huh." She says, looking at me, "That kinda seems like your thing, yeah?" (have I mentioned that I have the most amazing, hilarious, and insightful friends? Because I do. And Im pretty sure they are the reason my life is so good and/or I have never ended up in jail... Anyway, I digress.).
When I got back to town, and back into my studio, I started in on the background of what I was calling 'the blood orange pussy', a painting I was doing of a gorgeous friend of mine. I started with some layered colors. Ack. Horrible. Too much. I blotted it. Then I tried gold leaf. Oh dear god. What was I thinking. You can't paint over that shit. I felt nauseous. I took a break.
One of the things that I have learned in these paintings is that I will very likely think I've lost 'it' (whatever 'it' is) at some point along the way, and that I have to just keep trusting myself and 'just keep swimming' (or, painting). Often, really more often than one could call coincidence, the horribly ugly thing I've just done will turn into the best part of the painting. This has been wildly healing to watch, again and again. I seem to learn this with every painting I do. And then I forget, and have to learn it again.
It was at this point in the painting, when I started the gold leaf and was almost puking over how 'too much' it was that I sent her (the subject) a text saying this painting will either be a Too Much Disaster or a masterpiece. And most likely that judgement will be entirely dependent on the viewer.
I wrote that and it was like an epiphany. All my life I have felt like too much. Too loud, too smart, too opinionated, too lucky, too white, too colorful, too goofy, too strong, too weird, too everything. Just too much. Mr. Green Eyes? Totally lovely normal dude. But him being able to handle all of my bigness, and curiosity, and and and? Just seemed impossible. I mean, trying to imagine having a conversation with him about how somehow I can feel into a woman's soul when I paint her pussy? Umm... Maybe i save that for the third date...?
But looking at my painting in all its flash and complexity changed something in me. It made me wonder, What if I just was who I was, and there will be people who think its extraordinary and people who don't see that as much, but either way it wasn't personal, and either way, I was inherently beautiful? Whoa. Taken further, what if my too much-ness was actually what was going to 'bring me gold'? It would stand to reason that the ways in which you are unique are the ways in which you ultimately will stand out. And really, don't you need to be a little more of something if you are going to rise above average in anything? Huh. Wow. Yes please.
The next day the subject (who had yet to see any of the painting) sent me a picture of a japanese bowl where the cracks had been filled with gold saying how she had printed this out a few days prior and it was inspiring to her. I laughed out loud. And then sent her a few pictures of her pussy with its own gold filled cracks.
In the end, I love this painting. I love it for its aesthetics but also for what it (and she) taught me and now represents. Mr. Green Eyes? Never saw him again (he lives 6 hours away from me). Do I still feel bad for possibly being not the right woman for him? No. Is there a chance that really he was just not right for me? Very possibly. Either way, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am complex and intricate and wild and that is A-ok. More than that, who I am is beautiful and just the right amount of too much. Excuse me while I loosen my pants and exhale... ahhhh.
God I love this work. SO grateful for the journey it takes me on. Every time. Viva la Too Much people. I think your too much is gorgeous, personally... ;)
xo
R AMIEL